Why I wanted to give up and run in the other direction...

August 18, 2015

What a summer it's been so far!

Hey future mama,

I hope you've been enjoying your summer and that you're taking time to ground and relax! It's so important in terms of your energy as you move forward on your fertility journey.

Some of you know that I recently did an herbal intensive apprenticeship in Woodstock. The purpose of this was twofold- 1) I don't like using medicine so wanted to know more natural substitutes that I could make; as well as a totally natural sunscreen! 2) To get as much information for my fertility clients so that I can recommend supplemental options for them on their journey.
I had NO idea what I was in store for.  While this woman is one of the top people in the country to learn from, it was not all I thought it would be. I arrived 15 minutes early, which is, on most planets, a good thing. And certainly better than being late, right? Apparently not. She came flying out of the house SHRIEKING at me that this was the worst thing I could have done, I've ruined her chores and her day and that I am untrustworthy and a LIAR because I arrived at 9:30 instead of 9:45. Amid the shock of that, I apologized and she kept harping on it. I stayed calm and said I hoped this wouldn't continue the whole week. And she said "I hope you don't give me a reason to not trust you again". Ooooookay. Hours later we were divvying up jobs for the week and most were given out so, the next job that came up was being responsible for picking wild salad twice/day, so I said "Sure just let me know what to get, and I'm on it". She again shrieks " Do you honestly think I wouldn't tell you??? You don't trust me! And those who trust are untrustworthy- once again you've proven yourself a liar!". Ooooookay. Later after the salad is made she shrieks again that I have a "fuck you attitude towards salad" and when making infusions and I asked her if the mint goes in before the red clover or does it matter, she shrieks" What the fuck does it matter!? Why are you harassing me?!". Now all the while I'm pretty proud of myself for not reacting like a hot head and yelling back- as would be my tendency. It's my biggest pet peeve when people blame me for something I didn't do. It's my "thing" that I've needed to work on. And I thought I was doing pretty good realizing that this is HER crap she's projecting, it has nothing to do with me; but the fact is it's jarring when someone is SHRIEKING at you and claiming you have ill intent toward celery.  I had wanted to leave about four times. I saw her doing the same to others and no one was saying anything- because no matter what you said or didn't say, she wouldn't let you get a word in edgewise. More than not liking being yelled at, I don't like waling on eggshells. I was paying for this experience and didn't want my learning inhibited because I was afraid to ask a question for fear of being mauled. So the second night, I very calmly stated why it was excessive, projecting and not appropriate. I went back to my room and cried and was pissed and wanted to leave. Nobody talks to me this way. It's borderline abuse. I can't remember the last time I have thought "I can't do this. I have to get out of here". I wanted to run in the other direction so fast. But my husband had the car and was 2.5 hours away and I was in the middle of Woodstock at 11 o'clock at night. But "I shouldn't be here!".
Then I remembered my belief tools. If we think something SHOULD be or SHOULDN'T be other than what it is, it's not true. So why? I feel like I shouldn't be subjected to this- but the fact is I AM being subjected to it- so why? Why could it be perfect that I'm in this exact situation? Hmmm. Well, I have this HUGE pet peeve about people blaming me for things I didn't do, and things not being fair. Okay well, she's literally pushing ALL of those buttons. And the absolute ridiculousness of her comments made it pretty clear to me that I was going to be working through this lesson now whether I liked it or not. So I began to embrace it.
Earlier on the first day, our Tai Chi teacher gave us three metaphors that I didn't realize I would need to embrace fully this week:
1) A boulder is rolling down the hill, and isn't it amazing if you can crack it with your forehead? But isn't it a lot easier for it to roll by?
2) It takes two hands to clap. You can choose not to be the other hand. Choose not to engage.
3. The one creature that's survived the last two extinctions is the Sponge. It takes in everything and expels what it doesn't need.

So I told her the next day, that my stepping aside from the boulder, my not being the other hand didn't mean that I agreed with anything that she said, that she was right, that I was wrong, or that I was weak. I knew what was true for me, and by my not engaging, I was letting go of walking on eggshells; and therefore able to focus on learning as much as I could.
I'm not sure this email communicates the level of stress and crazy that was going on, but it was pretty severe. And once I looked at it as this petri dish experiment to see "what's going on here that I'm supposed to learn because it's CLEARLY  something",versus something happening TO me; I was no longer the victim and was back in charge of co-creating my experience. It was a BIG lesson that I've been "attempting" to work on, but I feel like this situation was like " no more attempting, it's go time!". Often we are forced into change and don't go willingly. So the quicker we can embrace it, the faster we move forward from it.
And miracle of miracles- she didn't yell at ANYONE after that! And I learned SO much around fertility and pregnancy that I'm excited to share with you. It was definitely worth it. Especially after realizing that I was really there to learn this lessson- and some herbs too!
SO just a reminder that if you are struggling with something- fertility or otherwise- look at your circumstances- job, relationship, beliefs- something is out of alignment. And this is just a nice little indicator light from your body to learn something. The quicker we can embrace it, the better. We may want to give up, run in the other direction or spin in the energy of it's not fair or it shouldn't be happening. Let's be in what IS and move forward from there. And if you need help doing that, I'm an email away.
On the more FUN end of things:
I enjoyed a vacation from the Big Apple and went to my home state of Massachusetts for a few days. I've been go ing to Cape Cod since I was a child ,and it's nice to go there with my husband now.It was so re-invigorating to smell the salty sea air, take a dip in the surprisingly warm water, and bake in the sun. It was even better getting to be there with my best friend and her husband and their kids. She also had her own fertility struggles and yet managed to have two adorable boys. My husband was busy occupying the 2 year old, Walker; and I was eating up some cuddle time with 7 month old Fisher. Fisher is just a month older than my nephew Otto- who I also got to babysit that weekend! Every time I look into the eyes of this munchkin, that I think- MAN! What if her mom gave up? What if we didn't do this work? If she didn't do her homework? They had all but given up, and it's just so amazing to look at this little manifestation of this work as he chews on his high chair in the pic below! <3 
Otto's mom did it. And you can too! KNOW that in your heart, mama. Enjoy these last few weeks of summer!



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